SVS9 - E13 - From Joyous to Grimm

Episode Guide	Teaser	Act 1	Act 2	Act 3	Act 4

ACT FOUR FADE IN: EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT Just as Xena and Gabrielle are approaching the castle, lightning splits the darkened sky, thunder rolls, and rain pours down by the bucketful. Looking none too pleased with the situation, Xena steps up to the large door and knocks upon it. After a moment, the door is opened by an elderly, bearded, and rather rotund man wearing a fur cloak and a golden crown; he is obviously the King. KING Sorry. We gave at the office. He begins to close the door, only to have his motion stopped by a strong hand that grasps the door’s edge and pushes. XENA Look. I’m cold, I’m wet, and I’m very tired of games. So either you let me in, or I take this castle of yours down stone by stone. Got me? KING I don’t know who you think you are but.... He looks behind him KING (cont’d) Yes, dear? CUT TO: INT. CASTLE - NIGHT A pleasingly plump, gray-haired woman, dressed in a fur robe and crown looks at her husband, the King. QUEEN Don’t turn them away, dear. One of them could be the princess we’ve been waiting for! The king looks over his shoulder at the two bedraggled and bristling figures standing outside, then looks back at his wife. KING They certainly don’t look like princesses to me. QUEEN You never know. They might look much different when dry and warm. Besides, remember what the oracle said. That a princess would come calling in the midst of a bad storm. KING Didn’t say anything about two princesses. QUEEN Well obviously, one of them is the handmaiden. KING But which is which? QUEEN Does it really matter? Whoever passes the test is the true princess. Come on, Henry, our son’s been pining away for his one true love for ages now. And after that business with the broken shoe, and that…hair… problem, do you really want to take the chance of turning away his bride-to-be? KING I suppose you’re right. QUEEN Well then, let them in and keep them occupied until we’ve set up the test. KING All right. Just go and get it done. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT The door reopens fully, and the king gulps audibly at the looks he’s receiving from the two soaked women on his doorstep. KING Many apologies, good women. I had a bit of a matter to attend to. Won’t you please come in? Gabrielle gives him as gracious a smile as she can manage. GABRIELLE Thank you. KING Quite welcome, quite welcome, I’m sure. Now, if you charming ladies will just stand here for a moment, I will get the page to summon up some cloths to dry yourselves with. GABRIELLE That would be most appreciated. CUT TO: INT. CASTLE BEDROOM - NIGHT The Queen rushes into the bedroom, followed by three handmaidens. QUEEN Hurry, we must hurry! Take all the bedding off! HANDMAIDEN #1 Yes, mum. C’mon, you lot, put yer backs into it! Once the bedding is removed, the Queen takes a single pea from the pocket of her gown and places it on the bed frame. QUEEN All right, start putting the mattresses back on. Twenty of them. HANDMAIDEN #2 T-T-Twenty, mum? HANDMAIDEN #1 Ya ‘eard ‘er right, ya bloody cow! Start stackin! With much huffing and puffing and grunting, twenty mattresses are soon laid atop the bed frame. HANDMAIDEN #1 (cont’d) A’right. What’s next, mum? QUEEN Hm. I want you to lay those twenty eiderdown beds on top of the mattresses. HANDMAIDEN #1 Not a word outta you, Matilda. Just get them beds. I’ll get the ladder. Much more huffing and puffing and grunting later, twenty eiderdown beds are stacked atop twenty mattresses which are stacked atop a single pea. HANDMAIDEN #2 What’s all this s’pposed ta do, then? HANDMAIDEN #1 Bloody ‘ell if I know. What the Queenie wants, the Queenie gets, right mum? QUEEN Right. Oh, Henry! Would you please escort our guests to the boudoir? We’re ready for them. Xena and Gabrielle, somewhat dried, walk into the room. The queen smiles beatifically at them both, her arms wide in welcome. QUEEN (cont’d) Welcome, welcome. I can see that you’re both very tired. I’ve had this bed prepared for you. I’m sure you’ll enjoy a good night’s rest. Both Xena and Gabrielle slowly eye the bed that seems to tower to the ceiling. Gabrielle’s smile goes a little rough around the edges. GABRIELLE Um... thank you? QUEEN Think nothing of it, dear woman. Think nothing of it. Only the best for our guests. The queen claps her hands brightly. QUEEN Very well! Have a wonderful sleep. We shall see you in the morning, yes? GABRIELLE Um... sure! Thanks! With that, the queen and her entourage leave, taking the ladder and closing the door behind them. Gabrielle is still staring up at the mattress mountain. GABRIELLE (cont’d) Well. How are we gonna get up there? XENA Easy. Give me your foot. Gabrielle does so, and soon finds herself vaulted into the air. She does a neat tuck and roll, and winds up flat on her back atop the mattress pile. GABRIELLE Good aim! Bending her knees, Xena jumps, flipping once, and coming to land sprawled out next to Gabrielle. The pile teeters and totters, forcing the women to grab the edges until it finally steadies. Gabrielle rapidly thumbs the pressure point in her wrist to rid herself of mattress sickness. GABRIELLE (cont’d) That was fun. Not. XENA Let’s just try and get some sleep, all right? GABRIELLE All right. Gabrielle rolls to her side, is silent for a moment, then scooches around. With a sigh, she flips to the other side, and squirms some more. XENA (tiredly) What is it? GABRIELLE Can’t get comfortable. There must be a rock or something under one of the mattresses. XENA It’s a pea. GABRIELLE A what? XENA A pea. An Austrian Winter pea, if I’m not mistaken. GABRIELLE And you know this how? XENA (smugly) I have many skills. GABRIELLE Oooooh. You were just waiting to use that line, weren’t you? Xena smirks. GABRIELLE (cont’d) Well? XENA Well what? GABRIELLE Do you think you could get that Austrian Winter pea the heck out from under the mattress so I can get some sleep? XENA Gabrielle, we’re lying on top of Mount Olympus here. I am not going to get down and search through forty mattresses just to find out which one has a blasted pea underneath it. Just ignore it. GABRIELLE I can’t ignore it! Xena sighs. XENA Fine. Switch sides with me. After much teetering and tottering, and pressure point pressing, they are finally rearranged on the bed. XENA (cont’d) Better? GABRIELLE A little. XENA Good. Now go to sleep. GABRIELLE (sighing) I’ll try. Goodnight, Xena. XENA Good night. CUT TO: INT. CASTLE BEDROOM - MORNING The next morning, Xena and Gabrielle awaken just in time to see the door open and the Queen comes striding into the bedroom. QUEEN How delightful! You’re both awake! How did you sleep, my dears? GABRIELLE Without meaning to offend, your majesty, not very well. QUEEN (a bit eagerly) Oh? Why ever not? GABRIELLE Well, there was this... pea... stuck somewhere in the mattresses and, well.... QUEEN Say no more, my dear. You’ve passed the test! Both of you! GABRIELLE Test? What test? QUEEN Why, the test of sensitivity, of course! Only a true princess would be sensitive enough to feel a tiny pea at the bottom of such a stack of bedding, my dears. Henry! Oh, Henry! Bring Junior in to meet his true loves! As Xena and Gabrielle stare at one another, the King enters escorting a very familiar looking prince. PRINCE YOU!!!! QUEEN Now wait a minute, Junior. These two women have passed the test! They are your true loves! PRINCE But...! QUEEN No buts about it, dear boy. It’s already been foretold. These are your true loves, and you must marry them tonight! GABRIELLE M-Marry? QUEEN Yes, dear. You passed the test! Welcome to the family!! GABRIELLE I’m sorry. There’s been some sort of mistake here. QUEEN Oh no, dear, I assure you, it is no mistake. XENA We’re already married. QUEEN Oh? Oh, dear. That could present a problem. KING Nonsense. I’m the King. I can annul any marriage.... XENA To each other. The king stares. The queen stares. The prince, poor fellow, faints. KING This is preposterous! Preposterous, I say! XENA Sorry, King. Better luck next time, huh? KING Never! It is foretold that you shall be married to my son, and married to my son you shall be! GABRIELLE Not that we’re not flattered or anything, really, but.... XENA No. KING Guards!!! Get them!! GABRIELLE Not again. XENA Let’s go! CUT TO: EXT. SMALL TOWN SQUARE, SOME MILES AWAY - DAY Finally having lost the pursuing guards, Xena and Gabrielle slow to a stop in the middle of a small town square. Both are winded and sweating buckets. Gabrielle walks over to a stone bench next to a fountain and sits, wiping the sweat-plastered hair from her face. GABRIELLE Gotta rest for a minute. That was a lot of running to do... on no rest and no food. XENA You stay right here and cool off. I’ll check around and get some answers. GABRIELLE Sounds good.... As Xena strides off in the direction of the tavern, Gabrielle turns her face toward the fountain’s cool spray. GABRIELLE (cont’d) Ahh. That’s much better. She looks down at her dirty and tattered clothing, noticing another rip in her skirt. GABRIELLE (cont’d) Guess I’d better mend that while I’ve got some time. Pulling out a needle and thread from her bag, she sets about sewing the large, ragged tear in her skirt. Unfortunately, the lack of sleep and food once again catches up to her, and she pricks her finger, drawing a bead of blood. GABRIELLE (cont’d) All right, I get it already. Maybe a little rest wouldn’t be a bad idea. In fact.... With a yawn and a stretch, she shifts position until she is lying flat upon the sun-warmed stone bench. GABRIELLE (cont’d) Ah, yes. Verrrrrry nice. She quickly falls asleep. CUT TO: EXT. TOWN BOUNDARY - DAY The prince and two guards peer in from the town’s boundary, all spotting Gabrielle lying asleep on the bench. GUARD #1 That’s her, isn’t it? PRINCE Sure looks like her. GUARD #2 And the oracle was right, see? She pricked her finger with that poisoned needle and won’t wake up until she receives a kiss from her true love! That’s you, Junior. The prince hesitates, looking around. GUARD #1 Well? PRINCE The other one isn’t around, is she? The big one with all those sharp weapons? All three scan the area. GUARD #2 Coast is clear, Junior. GUARD #1 Now’s your chance! Go! With a swift push from behind, the prince is launched into the town square. For a long moment, he looks down at the beautiful face of his sleeping princess. PRINCE (sappily) Oh, princess, it is I, your prince, come to wake you from your eternal sleep with a kiss. He slowly bends down, lips puckered and ready... ... only to receive a right cross right across the puss, sending him down for the count yet again. XENA (growling) No one... wakes Sleeping Beauty... but me. Xena gathers Gabrielle up and kisses her passionately. Gabrielle’s eyelashes flutter, then open. Gabrielle beams. GABRIELLE Xena! VERY LOUD VOICE (off camera) ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT. CUT! CUT!! Xena and Gabrielle look around, trying to determine where the voice is coming from. A short, shriveled, disheveled, gaunt, haggard old man limps into the square, a loud talking thing in his hand. MAN You two have really made a mess of things, you know? A mess. A HUGE mess!!! GABRIELLE But.... MAN Not only did you throw the giant down the beanstalk, you also crushed a glass slipper I spent millions to make... GABRIELLE But.... MAN …caused my three star bears to go on strike, got my big bad wolf so full from eating Little Red Riding Hood and the three little pigs that he exploded everywhere… GABRIELLE But.... MAN …left poor Rapunzel trapped in that tower until her hair grows out again, and if that wasn’t bad enough, you punched out Prince Charming! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!?!? GABRIELLE We didn’t mean to. MAN Sure you didn’t. Where are you from? Who sent you? That Hans Christian fellow? Mother Goose? Who?? Xena stands up, stalks over to the ranting little man and grabs him by his lapels. XENA Listen, mister. I don’t know how we got here. All I want to know is how to get home. And if you don’t start talkin, I see a goose over there that’s laying some mighty fine golden eggs. And since I’m hungry, I just might take it into my head to kill that golden goose and have Gabrielle fry it up for dinner! Understand!?! MAN Yes, yes, perfectly, perfectly indeed! XENA (enunciating very carefully) Then tell us how to get home. Now. MAN Err. Well, it would be easier if you had ruby slippers, you see. XENA (growling) Fake it. MAN Err…ok. Close your eyes, click your heels together, and say three times “I wish I were in….” err… wherever it is that you come from. XENA This better work, little man. That golden goose of yours is looking better and better all the time. MAN It will! It will! Xena and Gabrielle exchange looks, sigh, and close their eyes. XENA AND GABRIELLE I wish I were in Greece. I wish I were in Greece. I wish I were in Greece. POOF! FADE OUT. END ACT FOUR TAG FADE IN: EXT. CAMPSITE, SOMEWHERE IN GREECE - NIGHT A campfire blazes cheerily, shedding its light on two figures sitting side by side. Xena is sharpening her sword while Gabrielle works on a piece of parchment. GABRIELLE Well, that was one for the scrolls, huh? XENA Gabrielle, that was a scroll. GABRIELLE True. But now it’s one of mine, too. Xena scans over the text, smiling at some parts, laughing at others. XENA You forgot something. GABRIELLE Yeah? Where? XENA Here. Taking the quill, she scribbles a last line, then hands the quill back, grinning. XENA (cont’d) There. GABRIELLE (reading) And they lived happily ever after. Aww. That’s so sweet! XENA I don’t do sweet. GABRIELLE Sure you do. XENA Do not. GABRIELLE Do too. XENA Do not! GABRIELLE Do too! XENA Not, not, not. GABRIELLE Too, too, too! FADE TO BLACK. WRITTEN ON A SCROLL And that, boys and girls, is the story of how Joyous, the happiest storyteller in the land, became Grimm. THE END
DISCLAIMER Many faerie tales and their characters were harmed during the making of this motion picture, but luckily, Little Red Riding Cloak and the Three Little Pigs were able to make a safe escape when the big bad wolf exploded.