ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO WORKROOM - AFTERNOON

The artist is painting. Xena is visibly bored out of her mind.

LOOCHA

Stop fidgeting.

XENA

I’m not fidgeting.

The artist looks around her canvas. Almost every part of Xena's body is moving as Xena stands and waits.

LOOCHA

What is that, then?

XENA

What? I'm thinking!

LOOCHA

Look, can't you just think
about something else?

Xena looks around, spots an artists pallet. She picks it up and examines it, then she throws it across the room. It bounces off the wall, off the window, off several statues, and ends up back in her hand.

LOOCHA

(Cont’d)

That's an interesting talent.

Xena tosses the pallet again. It bounces over several more surfaces, takes the nose off a clay work in progress, and startles Loocha's cat. The cat bolts. The pallet zooms on, hitting a column.

Gabrielle enters just as the pallet streaks past. She catches it without breaking stride or even appearing to notice.

GABRIELLE

Xena, we're running out of time.

Gabrielle stops, looks at the pallet in her hand as if wondering where it came from. She frowns and tosses it aside. She walks over to Xena.

XENA

Problems?

GABRIELLE

Ulysses' rival is here, and he wants
to see the dowry. All of it, now,
or he'll back out of the deal.

LOOCHA

Men.

(shaking head)

He'll have to wait. This can't be rushed.
I'm an artist, not a magician.

The artist peers around her canvas at Xena.

LOOCHA

(Cont’d)

Especially not with a subject like that!
I won't do it!

Xena starts pacing.

LOOCHA

(Cont’d)

Hey! Hold still! This isn't a landscape!

GABRIELLE

You're going to have to paint faster.

LOOCHA

Paint faster? How insensitive!

I am an artiste! A perfectionist!
You have no idea of what
you ask, oh biter of breasts!

GABRIELLE

Look, I....

Gabrielle stops dead. Xena finds something interesting to examine on the other side of the room.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d)

What did you just call me?

LOOCHA

What you have done to my perfection!
It's a crime!

GABRIELLE

What??

LOOCHA

A crime!

Xena gets across the room just in time to get between Gabrielle and the artist. She grabs Gabrielle and holds her still.

XENA

Look. Either you do this fast, or not at all.

The artist sighs melodramatically.

LOOCHA

This is such a travesty. All right.
I'll see what horrible inadequacy I can manage.
But you have to stand still!

Xena releases Gabrielle.

LOOCHA

(Cont’d)

Hey! Feisty one! Can't you do
something to keep her quiet?!

Gabrielle peers around Xena's breast at Loocha. Her look is deadly.

LOOCHA

(Cont’d)

I hear you've really got a way with your tongue.

Gabrielle's deadly look transfers itself to Xena. Xena pats Gabrielle's cheek with deep affection.

XENA

I told her what a good storyteller you are.

GABRIELLE

(mollified)

Oh.

LOOCHA

Must be something you can do to keep her still.

Gabrielle considers.

GABRIELLE

Mm....

(grinning)

There is, but I'll just tell a story
instead since we're in public.

Xena actually blushes. Gabrielle seats herself on a banquette, smirking.

LOOCHA

Nice tint. I like it.

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ TREASURE ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

Ulysses has sweating men dragging bags, barrels, and boxes one after another in front of Radwar.

ULYSSES

And here are the fleeces. Beautiful, huh?

Just like I promised.
They came from some gorgeous sheep.

RADWAR

I am sure you are well acquainted with them.

The men drag a barrel of smoked fish in.

ULYSSES

Fish, from the most beautiful of our rivers!

RADWAR

Yes, yes, fine. This is all trivial.
Where are the riches you promised?
The wondrous painting? Show me that!

Ulysses checks the sundial. It's not looking good.

ULYSSES

All righty! If it's the good stuff you want, let's
bring it in! Get the pearls gleaned from the Aegean

Radwar grabs Ulysses by the scruff and shakes him.

RADWAR

I don't need to see pearls! I've got pearls coming
out my ears. I've got rocks, I've got gold, and I've
got soldiers that can smash you flat! The only
thing you got that I want is that picture!
So cough it up! Now!

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO WORKROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

Gabrielle is lying on the banquette with her feet up, telling a story. Xena has her eyes closed, apparently in some kind of zen state.  The artist is busy painting.

LOOCHA

Wait a minute....
Did you just say Caesar, Julius Caesar?

GABRIELLE

Yes. And he went and took his troops....

LOOCHA

Wasn't that twenty years ago?

GABRIELLE

Twenty-six. Anyway, as I was saying....

LOOCHA

You beat Caesar in your cradles?
That's pretty funny!

Gabrielle starts to correct the artist's impression. Xena's voice interrupts her. Xena still has her eyes closed.

XENA

Don't bother explaining.

Gabrielle stops.

GABRIELLE

Then I should start putting in the part where
you diaper whipped Crassius, right?

Xena opens one eye and looks at Gabrielle. Gabrielle blows her a kiss. Xena rolls the open eye and shakes her head.

XENA

Are we done YET?

LOOCHA

Done? Hah!

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ TREASURE ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Ulysses is being backed down the hallway, step by step.

ULYSSES

It's only fair that you let me prepare
you for seeing it, Radwar! Slowly!

RADWAR

Stop stalling! Show me the picture!!!

ULYSSES

But....

RADWAR

NOW!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO WORKROOM - EARLY EVENING

Gabrielle paces near the window. Xena looks like she wants to be pacing anywhere but where she is. It is silent except for the artist's brush scratching.  Finally, Gabrielle turns, Xena takes a breath, and....

XENA AND GABRIELLE

A....

LOOCHA

Done!

Xena and Gabrielle stop.

XENA

What?

LOOCHA

Done. Finished. Complete.
Ended. No more! Finite!

Gabrielle darts behind the canvas to look. Her jaw drops. The artist has completed a masterpiece, and in its center is Xena in all her naked, slightly blushing glory. The artist smirks at the reaction.

GABRIELLE

Wow!

LOOCHA

Am I the best, or what? Perfection!!!!!

Xena is pulling up the straps on her leathers. She grabs the painting as she starts for the door.

XENA

C'mon. Let's hope we're not too late.

The artist sticks her brush behind her ear and races after Xena.

LOOCHA

My masterpiece!!!

Gabrielle puts her hands on her hips and speaks to the empty room.

GABRIELLE

That'll hang in some guy's
castle over MY DEAD BODY.

Gabrielle turns and runs out.

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ TREASURE ROOM - EVENING

The door flings open. Ulysses is pushed inside. He stumbles and falls, but scrambles out of the way as Radwar charges after him.

ULYSSES

Now, Radwar... just take it easy!

RADWAR

I will take it easy, you fraud!
Once I've seen with my own eyes....

Radwar stops in his tracks. His eyes are on the wall. His jaw drops.

ULYSSES

Okay, okay - I'll come clean!
It was an accident! Honest!
I didn't mean to....

Ulysses realizes Radwar isn't hearing a word he is saying. He turns around to see what Radwar is staring at. Mounted on the wall is a perfect picture of beauty, shining in the torchlight.

ULYSSES

(Cont’d)

Keep you waiting!
No, but wasn't it worth the wait?
Is that a picture, or what?

Radwar is in love. He pats Ulysses on the head absently as he stares at the picture.

RADWAR

Now that is worth suffering peace for.

Ulysses takes a second look at the painting, and suddenly realizes who it is of. He drums his fingers on his thigh in thought.

ULYSSES

Peace. Hm. You know, now that I'm
thinking about it....  Boy, this picture
sure means a lot to me....

Ulysses looks around. Seated on a treasure chest, he finds Xena glaring at him.

ULYSSES

(Cont’d)

And I'm sure you understand how hard...
it is for me to let it go as part of
my dear daughter's dowry.

RADWAR

A king's ransom, indeed. All right.
Let's go get the damn kids hitched so I
can take this home. I've got a spot
just waiting for it. Heh heh heh.

Ulysses takes Radwar's arm and leads him out. He gives Xena and Gabrielle a big thumbs up. The artist strolls out and regards the picture.

LOOCHA

Well, it sure beats being known as the
face that launched a thousand ships, huh?

They follow Ulysses and Radwar out.

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ BANQUET HALL - NIGHT

The hall is full of people celebrating Kelvin and Shana's wedding. Xena and Gabrielle are at the head table, along with the artist, as honored guests. They are once again dressed in their borrowed finery.

Ulysses sits down next to them.

ULYSSES

I owe you guys a big thanks.

LOOCHA

You owe me a big commission. Pay up!

Ulysses gives her a look.

ULYSSES

You'll get it! I promise. Tomorrow.

LOOCHA

I've heard that story before.

Xena gives them both a glare. The artist gets up.

LOOCHA

(Cont’d)

Well, I'm at least going to get my money's
worth of wine. See ya later, perfection!
Thanks for the gorgeous memories!

The artist disappears into the crowd. Xena sighs and shakes her head.

XENA

Well, it was for a good cause, anyway.

ULYSSES

You can say that again. My daughter's happy,
and my people are at peace. Thanks, Xena.

Xena looks at him meaningfully.  Ulysses looks back at her. Xena kicks Ulysses under the table.

ULYSSES

(Cont’d)

Oh! And, of course!
Yes! Thanks, Gabrielle!

Gabrielle smiles politely.

GABRIELLE

Glad we could help you and
Radwar work out your differences.

ULYSSES

Turns out we've got more in common than we
thought. We worked out a deal to share that
picture, heh heh. Well, gotta go mingle.
Thanks again!

Ulysses leaves. Gabrielle drums her fingers on the arms of her chair.

XENA

Sharing the painting. That's a riot.

GABRIELLE

Riot. Hmm.

Xena looks at Gabrielle.

XENA

C'mon, Gabrielle. It's just a picture.

Gabrielle leans forward and looks at the painting, mounted prominently on the wall and gathering great attention.

GABRIELLE

It's not JUST a picture, Xena.

Xena looks at the painting. She leans closer to Gabrielle.

XENA

(softly)

But you've got the real thing.

Gabrielle allows herself to be charmed. She smiles and lifts her cup, touching it against Xena's.

GABRIELLE

Darn right I do.

They drink, then get up to join the dancing as the crowd celebrates both the joining, and the peace it brings to all of them.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT FOUR

TAG

EXT. ULYSSES' CITY - MORNING

Xena stands outside the gates with Argo II. She fiddles with Argo's saddle, obviously waiting for something.

The gates open, and Gabrielle runs out, a rolled up tube in one hand. She goes to Argo II's side, and puts the tube inside her bag, tying the top very securely.

GABRIELLE

Ready! Let's go.

Xena peers at the bag.

XENA

What was that?

Gabrielle takes up her walking stick and starts off down the road. She's smirking.

XENA

(Cont’d)

Lemme guess.  It's the picture.

Gabrielle smirks harder, and chuckles to herself.  Xena catches up to her and they walk along.

XENA

(Cont’d)

How'd you con them out of it?

Gabrielle pauses, and though she is savoring the moment. She turns to look at Xena.

GABRIELLE

I... have many skills.

Xena chuckles and puts her arms around Gabrielle's shoulders.

XENA

You've been waiting twenty-six
years to say that, haven't you?

GABRIELLE

Bet your boots I have.

They both laugh, as they start their journey down the long road.

FADE OUT.

DISCLAIMER
Xena's modesty was not harmed during the making of this motion
picture and Gabrielle's REALLY glad there were no Xerox machines.

NEXT WEEK ON XENA