Production #V913 - Episode 13
 

WRITTEN BY
Susanne Beck

DIRECTED BY
Denise Byrd

PRODUCED BY
Carol Stephens

SCREENGRABS
Judi Mair

ARTWORK
Lucia

EPISODE TITLE GRAPHIC
Linda (Calli)

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a storyteller named Joyous.  Joyous was a very wonderful storyteller and true to his name, his stories made everyone who heard them very, very happy.

Until one day....

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. TOWN WELL - EVENING

Looking a bit disheveled, Gabrielle is standing before the town well.  It is an old, crumbling affair that looks very close to breathing its last.  Next to her is a puppy, two kittens, four fuzzy bunny rabbits, and a rag doll.  Across from her stands a blonde little boy with a cowlick, freckles, and a very mischievous expression on his face.  His mother stands next to him, wringing her hands.

WOMAN

I’m so sorry about this, Miss!  I told

my husband not to take little Denisus

here to the Trevi Fountain, but did

he listen?  Nooo.  Now the little

scamp throws anything he can

get his hands on down there.

She turns to face the child.

WOMAN

(cont’d)

But today, young man, today

you’ve gone just too far.

The boy turns very large, very green eyes to his mother.

DENISUS

I’m sowwy, Mama.

A sound suspiciously like a cough emerges from the mouth of the well.  Gabrielle leans over, dislodging several rocks as she does so.  The rocks go plunging down the hole.

VOICE

(off camera)

Son of a bacchae!

GABRIELLE

Xena!  Are you okay?!

She leans further. More rocks fall.

XENA

(off camera)

[censored]

Just then, a bouncing, giggling baby boy, dressed in a tattered, mud-splattered blanket is thrust out of the well.  Gabrielle grabs him and hands him to his mother.  He continues to giggle.

MOTHER
Oh, my baby!  My sweet

little baby boy!  Oh, thank

the gods you’re safe!

Then to Denisus.

MOTHER

(cont’d)

Don’t you ever, ever, ever, ever,

EVER throw your baby brother

down the well again, do you

hear me, young man?

DENISUS

I pwomise, Mama.

The little cherub has his fingers firmly crossed behind his back.

Two dirt-blackened hands appear on the lip of the well, dislodging yet more rocks.  Xena’s head slowly appears.  She looks rather the worse for wear.  Her hair and face are liberally splattered with mud and other unidentifiable gunk, and her eyes are blazing.

Gabrielle steps forward to assist her in liberating herself from the well.  Xena shoots her a look.  Gabrielle steps prudently back.

With many a muttered curse, Xena painfully extricates her body from the well.  Just as both feet are firmly on the ground, the last of the rocks crumble inward and fall to the bottom, raising a giant cloud of dust and mud.

MOTHER

Oh, thank you, Miss!  Thank

both of you!  I don’t know

what we would have done if

you hadn’t been here!  I just....

As the mother continues to babble on, Denisus uses the dust screen to sneak back toward the well, something large, shiny, and round in his hand.

XENA

(to Denisus)

Grrrrr....

The chakram drops to the ground and Denisus runs home, wailing.

MOTHER

... I just don’t know how to

repay you for what you’ve

done!  We’re very poor and

don’t have any money, but....

GABRIELLE

That’s alright, Ma’am.  We’re

just glad we could help.  Really.

MOTHER

Wait!

Smiling, she reaches into the waistband of her skirt and pulls out a very small sack.

MOTHER

(cont’d)

I know this isn’t much, I mean,

for everything you’ve done for us,

but please, take them.  They were

just picked this morning. They’d

be wonderful in a soup or stew!

Gabrielle looks over to Xena, then quickly back.  She’ll get no help from that quarter.  Finally, she sighs and takes the sack, smiling her thanks.  The mother smiles back and turns toward her home.  The puppy, kittens, and bunnies follow her.

Gabrielle again looks at Xena, who is busy picking things out of her hair.

GABRIELLE

I… uh… guess we

should be going now?

XENA

Grrrrr....

GABRIELLE

All righty then!

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT

Freshly bathed and clad in a clean linen shift, Xena sits on a log, wiping down her chakram.  Gabrielle kneels before the fire, stirring a thick, fragrant stew.  Remembering the sack the woman gave her, she opens it and shakes out its contents.

Three large, bean-shaped objects rest in her palm. 

GABRIELLE

Xena?

XENA

Mm?

GABRIELLE

Could you come over

here for a minute, please?

Rising to her feet, Xena crosses the camp to stand beside Gabrielle.

XENA

Beans.

GABRIELLE

Are they supposed to be…

glowing like that?

Narrowing her eyes, Xena looks closer, then sniffs.  She jerks her head back quickly, lips curled in disgust.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

I... I think they’re moving.

XENA

Toss ‘em away.

GABRIELLE

Good idea.

Without another thought, she tosses the beans over her shoulder.  They land with a clatter in the forest beyond.  With a little shrug, Gabrielle goes back to stirring her stew.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING

Close-up on Gabrielle who is snuggled beneath the furs.  She squirms a bit, then giggles.

GABRIELLE

Xena....

More squirming.  More giggling.

GABRIELLE

(louder)

Xena!  You know, you

could just ask if you wanted to....

Her eyes pop open, then widen.

A very large, very green, very living… thing has taken up residence no more than three inches from her nose.

GABRIELLE

Grah!  Xena!!

She rolls back into Xena.  Both jump to their feet quickly, fully armed to battle the giant beanstalk that has sprouted in their campsite.  Both women look slowly up until their necks are craned to their furthest point.

VOICE

(off camera)

Hellllllllppppppppppp

meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

Xena and Gabrielle look at one another.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE