ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING

VOICE

(off camera)

HELLLLLLLLPPPPP

MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Xena and Gabrielle have finished dressing and are hastily breaking camp as the screams come from high above.

Very high above.

Xena places all their gear off to one side of the camp, well away from the still growing beanstalk.

XENA

(to Argo)

Guard.

Argo whinnies and shakes her head.

XENA

(cont’d, to Gabrielle)

Let’s go.

They begin to climb.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEANSTALK - DAY

The two women have been climbing for what seems like hours.  Gabrielle and Xena are both a bit winded and sweaty as they continue to climb with no end in sight.

GABRIELLE

Y’know, Xena... when we’re done

with this latest... rescue of the week

thing, I think... we should just trade

in our weapons for... a falafel stand

outside Athens...  and let...

someone else do the hero stuff

for a change.  What do you say?

XENA

I say “keep climbing”.

GABRIELLE

That’s... what I

thought you’d say.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEANSTALK - DAY

At last, the end is in sight.  Above Xena’s head is what appears to be the wooden foundation of a rather large house.  The beanstalk they’re climbing goes up through a square hole in the floor.

Xena climbs through the hole, then steps off onto a wooden floor.  She guides Gabrielle to her side. 

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Whew!  There’s my exercise

quotient for the year.

Straightening, she looks around.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Wow....

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE - DAY

They are in a house built for a giant.  Ahead looms a massive table surrounded by four chairs.  The chair seats are at least a foot above Xena’s head, the table nearly twice that high.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

What...?

XENA

Shhh.

Grasping Gabrielle’s arm, Xena pulls her beneath a footstool that could comfortably house a family of ten.

All is silent.

Then....

VOICE

(off camera)

FE... FI... FO... FUM...

I SMELL THE BLOOD OF...

A THIEF!  THERE YOU ARE!!

GIVE ME BACK MY

CANDLESTICK, THIEF!!

VOICE #2

Ha!  You’ll have to

catch me first!!

(beat)

WHOOOAAAA!!!

The entire house shakes as loud, booming footsteps are heard coming closer.  Just then, a tall, thin young man runs into the room, holding a silver candlestick half his size.  His eyes are wide and round with fright and he desperately looks around for any means of escape.

Xena reaches out and grabs the young man’s arm with one hand, and plucks the candlestick from his hand with the other, depositing the heavy object in Gabrielle’s arms while she turns the man to face her.

XENA

You the one yelling for help?

JACK

Who...?  What...?  How...?

XENA

Yes or no.

JACK

Yes, but....

XENA

You want outta here?

JACK

Of course!  But....

Xena points in the direction of the beanstalk.

XENA

There’s your exit.  Get on, climb

down, and don’t stop climbing

till you hit the ground, got me?

JACK

Yes, but....

XENA

Move!  Now!

JACK

The giant!

Xena smiles.

XENA

I’ll take care of him.

Now go!

Jack goes.

The house shakes again as the giant enters the room.  He stops just in front of the footstool, and Xena and Gabrielle are treated to the sight of ten very large, very hairy, and very ugly toes that peak out from leather sandals. 

GIANT

FE... FI... FO... FUM....

GABRIELLE

(softly)

Uh oh.

GIANT

I SMELL....

Their hiding space suddenly levitates as the giant bends over and picks it up.  He stares down at them, red-faced with anger.

GIANT

(cont’d)

MY CANDLESTICK!!!

GABRIELLE

Xena!!!

Before Xena can move, the giant plucks Gabrielle off the ground, candlestick and all.  Gabrielle twists and turns, but to no avail.  Finally she lifts the giant candlestick and starts beating the giant over the head with it.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Let me go, you hairy, smelly,

overgrown piece of....

XENA

Gabrielle!!  Duck!!

Gabrielle manages to duck just as the chakram whizzes over her head, bouncing off of the giant’s broad, low forehead and cutting open the lump Gabrielle’s managed to raise. It then rebounds off the candlestick, turns in mid air, and slices across the hand holding Gabrielle.  He opens his hand in reflex.  Gabrielle drops.

GIANT

YEOOOOOWWWWW!!

GABRIELLE

WHHHOOOOAAAAAA!!

Xena catches the chakram, then Gabrielle.

XENA

Gotcha!

GABRIELLE

All righty, then.  That’s about

all the fun I can handle in

one day.  Can we go now?

XENA

Sure.  Let’s just....

GIANT

YOU’RE NOT GOING

ANYWHERE!!!

Leather creaks as the giant slowly bends at the waist, both hands extended.  Unsheathing her sword, Xena grins at Gabrielle.  Unsheathing her sais, Gabrielle grins back.

XENA

We’re not....

GABRIELLE

But you are!

One sharp sword and two pointy sais sink themselves into the tender flesh of the giant’s feet with perfect symmetry.  Xena and Gabrielle quickly jump out of the way as the giant’s knees buckle and he continues to fall, hitting the floor and creating a giant-shaped hole.

Unfortunately, said hole happens to be directly over the one admitting the beanstalk, which crumbles under the great weight of the giant, and falls away, leaving Xena and Gabrielle stranded inside the house with no way of returning.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Well, isn’t this just shaping

up to be one of those days?!

Xena chuckles softly and puts an arm around Gabrielle’s shoulders.

XENA

C’mon.  This is us you’re

talking about.  Every day

is ‘one of those days’.

GABRIELLE

True.  Now what?

XENA

Well....

VOICE #3

(off camera and sounding

suspiciously like Rosie O’Donnell)

Excuse me!  Yoo hoo!

Gabrielle looks at Xena, who is focusing on the hole in the ground.

VOICE #3

(cont’d)

Yo, blondie!

Gabrielle straightens and turns in the direction of a high shelf.

VOICE #3

(cont’d)

Yeah, you!  What, you think

I’m talkin’ to myself up here?

Sheesh!  C’mere!

GABRIELLE

Where are you?  I don’t....

VOICE #3

What are ya, blind or somethin’?

Ya lookin’ right at me!

Reaching out, Gabrielle taps Xena on the back.

GABRIELLE

Xena?

XENA

(distractedly)

Mm?

GABRIELLE

(hesitantly)

There’s... a golden harp

on that shelf up there....

XENA

And?

GABRIELLE

It’s talking to me.

Xena straightens and slowly turns.

HARP

(appreciatively)

Ooooh!  Tall, dark, and butch

as hell!  C’mere, and give

mama some looove!

Xena hefts her chakram, bearing her teeth.

XENA

How’d you like your

strings sliced in half?

HARP

Touchy, touchy!

(to Gabrielle)

She always like this?

GABRIELLE

Pretty much.

HARP

Kinky!

XENA

Come on, Gabrielle. 

Let’s find another way

out of this dump.

HARP

Now wait a minute!

Can’t youse take a joke

or nothin’?  Sheesh!

Xena narrows her eyes, giving the harp the look.

HARP

(cont’d)

Just listen up, all right?  Youse

want outta here, I want outta here.

Maybe we can help each other.

You pluck my strings, I pluck

yours.  Howsabout it?

The harp waggles its golden eyebrows and leers at the duo.

Xena lifts her chakram higher, preparing to throw.

Gabrielle touches her wrist.

GABRIELLE

Do you know the

way out of here?

HARP

Course I do!  What, youse

think I was just tuned

yesterday or somethin’?

GABRIELLE

So... if we promise to

take you with us, you’ll

show us the way?

HARP

Duhhhh!  Ain’t I just been

sayin’ that?  Sheesh!

GABRIELLE

Xena... could you…?

The rest of the question trails off as Xena dashes across the floor, jumps, flips, lands on the counter, grabs the harp, jumps, flips again, and lands beside Gabrielle, harp in hand.

HARP

Whoa... youse got some nice

fingers there, toots.  You can

fondle my strings any... oof!

The harp suddenly finds itself thrust unceremoniously against Gabrielle’s chest.

HARP

(cont’d)

Heyyyy!  Now this is livin’!

Plays strains of “I’m in Heaven”.

Gabrielle thrusts her arms straight out, dangling the harp by one finger.

GABRIELLE

Directions.  Now.

HARP

Sheesh.  Youse guys

ain’t no fun at all.

CUT TO:

EXT. GIANT’S YARD - NIGHT

A full moon shines over the overgrown lawn.  A breeze blows along grasses that are almost as tall as Xena.

GABRIELLE

What now?

HARP

Ya see that first class piece of

real estate over that hill there?

A turret rises from beyond the hill; a large blue and yellow pennant snaps from its very tip.

GABRIELLE

I see it.

HARP

The little princey that lives there

ain’t bad, for a guy.  He used to own

me til that stupid giant stole me.

GABRIELLE

What does that have to do

with getting us out of here?

HARP

Well, if youse would gimme a second,

I’d tell ya.  Sheesh!  Anyway, princey’s

having a ball tonight, right?  All the

nice lookin’ chicks are comin’ all dolled

up, see, and the one he digs the most

will be his princess, see?  Say!  Neither

of youse two would be interested in....

Both Xena and Gabrielle stare at the harp.

HARP

(cont’d)

Nah.  Didn’t think so.  So, anyways,

you just go up to him and give me back,

sorta like a wedding present, see, and

he’ll be so happy that he’ll give ya

anything ya want!  Heck, I’ll bet he

even sends some of his guards with

ya to make sure youse gets home safe!

Xena and Gabrielle exchange doubtful looks.

GABRIELLE

(resignedly)

Well, I suppose it’s

better than nothing.

HARP

Of course it is!  So, c’mon!

Let’s get goin’ already!  The

night ain’t getting younger,

ya know!  Sheesh!

Rolling her eyes, Xena starts off toward the castle in the far distance.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO